Fear

No matter if you’re running: out in the open air, on a treadmill, on an elliptical machine, or on any other kind of exercise equipment for long distances; eventually your body just takes over and your brain is given free reign to do whatever it wants. Sometimes I will go over sociological theory by reciting the tenets of different theorists. Sometimes I will try to solidify my own theses by going point-counterpoint and picking it apart piece by piece (it sometimes helps to clarify where I need to do more research). Although on some occasions memories will wash over me with such force it seems as if they just happened minutes ago. One such recall happened this evening.

I was nearly 45 minutes into my elliptical endeavors when one of the handful of last conversations my ex and I had strolled past my vision. We were arguing, as we were wont to do, and I remember clear as day she said to me “You’re problem is you’re afraid of success. You’re comfortable where you are and if you change it will mean encountering something you’ve never had to deal with before. You are overweight not because you can’t do something about it, but because you won’t do something about it. You constantly make excuses about why you can’t do something. You find comfort in failure because it is what everyone expects out of you.”

I was stunned but of course I retorted with a vehement denial of everything she said. I was not ready to hear it at the time. I think tonight I was. As much as I loathe to admit it, she was right. (I hope someday the vapid self-centered bitch who’s face is not worth sunburning reads this and gets one last laugh out of me) I’ve made great strides since we parted company and fallen a good distance too.

I am afraid. It is and has always been fear that governed my life. At the heart of everything I am afraid of three things: success, failure, and death. As confusing as it may seem, yes we can be afraid of both success and failure at the same time. Humans always seek balance; we don’t want things too hot or too cold, nor do we want to eat too much or to starve. I understand part of me is still making excuses when I say “I don’t know how to take risks.” I know that is not entirely true and that if I just start I will eventually learn how. The twins rejection and failure are not the end of the world to a sociologist from the mid west.

I think the biggest difference between then and now is that I know I can fall. It isn’t the end of the world and it will not preclude me from succeeding later. I went through my childhood at less than mediocre because while I was taunted and bullied, I never did anything to stop it since I found a small amount of comfort in going home and crying to mom. It felt good to get that kind of attention so I never stopped. I don’t believe it was a conscious decision, but it was a decision nonetheless. Even now when I’m almost 30 I refrain from standing up to someone who triggers the bully alarm. It kills me because I know I’m better than that. It isn’t failure because I didn’t try, but it isn’t success either; I’ve achieved balance. I don’t like that kind of balance anymore. I am smart, and witty, and well above average in the brains department.

So yes, I am afraid. Am I going to continue allowing this fear to rule me? I can’t say for sure. I don’t want it to, and I can recognize when it begins to fill my head with poison, but is that enough of an anti-venom. Is admitting you have a problem really the first step to conquering it?

Hello, my name is James and I’m an Atychiphobian.

Elliptical machine! Who’s your daddy?

I’ve been jamming on the elliptical machine’s hill climb mode for the last few weeks and all that time it was kicking me like I was its bitch. The program’s length is adjustable and up until today I had gone no longer than 45 minutes. The hill climb program breaks down your desired length into time segments and starts out at resistance one for one segment. Each segment on a 45 minute time is roughly 1.5 minutes long. Resistance one this is supposed to simulate relatively level terrain. Following a short “warm-up” of this, the program ramps up to a resistance of eight for two segments. Eight is similar to about a 12 degree incline, or a flight of stairs. Then it drops back down to resistance one for one segment. When the second resistance one is done the warm up is officially over.

The machine goes back up to 8 for six segments, down to 1 for one segment, up to 10 for two segments, back to 1 for one segment, up to 12 for two segments, back to 1, then up to 14 for two segments, then down to 8 for four segments, and finally down to 1 for five segments. By the time I get to resistance 14, it feels like I am walking up a 70 degree incline or running through really thick and clingy snow.

Every time I managed to complete this, and every time I felt like I was going to die when I had. Today though I completed my first full hour on it. I am still psyched about it. The machine shows an approximation of how many calories burnt and when I was done it showed approximate 945 calories! That’s two to four of my meals for the day. I’m stoked and I think if I can keep this up I will see some very small results at the end of the month.

I also tried out the low-volume training yesterday and I have to admit I was surprised by how much I actually worked. Last year at this time I was doing a reduction-increase weight lifting program. This is where you do five sets, starting with a low weight at 15 reps, then increase weight and reduce to 12 reps, increase again and reduce to 10, increase and reduce to 8, then increase again and reduce to 5. By the time you were done you should be lifting the maximum you can lift. It always seemed like I was wasting a lot of time changing out weights or going from machine to machine. I have decent hopes for this new plan though.

As I left the gym today, my sweat-soaked garments clinging to me, I told the machine “you aren’t so tough. I’ve used can openers that made me work harder.” The foot pads and arm bars moved slowly, nonchalantly telling me, “I’ve been doing this for years. Come back when you can actually work, fat man.”

I’ll show you.

Return to Sweat and Pain

After some soul-searching as mentioned in the post “Shock” I have come to realize that I can do this. Not really that I can do this, but that I can do it alone. I don’t necessarily have to have someone along with to keep me going. I believe I have surrendered myself to this obsession and have finally made it a priority in my life rather than just a secondary or tertiary thing.

On my page “Fitness Goals” I said I would be re-evaluating them as time went by. While I haven’t been able to keep up with the first point, I’m establishing a commitment and since the 30th of December I haven’t missed a day in the gym. In the spirit of ensuring that I keep up on my fitness regiment I have decided to really revamp how I’m going to spend my time in the gym.

This decision came about after spending the last two hours at a website called ExRx.net. Because of the theories and ideas mentioned therein I believe I have come up with the next phase of my workout.

ExRx talks about low-volume, progressive intensity training. My understanding of it is thus: according to prevailing evidence, higher reps at lower weights less often does just as much as lower reps at higher weights more often. In fact, in keeping with the studies, using this method the weight lifter only has to go through a warm up set and then the workout set once for each muscle group they want to work. This coupled with their explanation of the myth of the high rep fat loss workout has intrigued me to try a different approach.

For the next month I will be trying an alternating upper/lower body routine broken up by pure cardio on off days. For example: the next week starts out with upper body on Monday, followed by cardio on Tuesday, then lower body on Wednesday, then cardio on Thursday, then upper again on Friday, then cardio on both Saturday and Sunday.

I think as long as I: stick to eating healthy, keep my caloric intake below 2000, and keep up on the cardio on the off days, I’ll still be where I want to be come end of July. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for this new workout and will keep my progress updated as best I can.

As the saying goes, “the third time’s the charm.” This will be the third and last time I have to return to the sweat and pain.

A New Year

I despise new year’s resolutions. Rarely anyone sticks to them, and I’m no exception. However, on New Year’s Eve this last Monday, I had a rather strange encounter that set me aback.

I left work for my dinner break and I went to a little Chinese restaurant not far from there. I was the only customer in the restaurant and the waitress and I talked at length about a great many things. Surprisingly enough she remembered me from the last time I came in there almost eight weeks ago. It was almost like talking to an old friend you had not seen in ages. It was a more than refreshing change of pace from the hectic woes of the call center where I work.

We were talking about the end of the year and the beginning of the new one and she was genuinely giddy about the concept of the new year. I have seen enough of them and most have not been in the best light so I can generally take them or leave them without a care. This woman had such an energy about it though she almost made me feel guilty for being blaze about the whole affair. What shocked me was when she asked, “so what are you looking forward to for the next year?” I looked at her rather puzzled with my head cocked to one side like I was trying to wrap my head around a vision my eyes would not accept. She started listing off all of the grand things she was looking forward to and the thought of each one seemed to make her even happier than she was before. It was an astonishing sight. When she asked me the question again I could only reply, “I have no earthly idea.” I have been thinking about it ever since.

I just returned from the gym and it dawned on me I had forgotten what I was looking forward to. I had let myself get so down in the last several weeks because of my own different holiday woes that I forgot some of the things that are coming up this year. Tonight I’m going back to the restaurant to thank her for showing me “the light” so to speak and for being that one person who was just in the right place at the right time.

Also so I can tell her what I’m looking forward to:

• Being fit enough to run on the beach in Ecuador and enjoy myself.
• Losing this extra weight.
• Seeing my best friend get married.

…

This could turn out to be a good new year after all.

Shock

Sometimes things startle you so much, to the very core, that you don’t know how to deal with them at the time. I believe the proper term is shock. And that pretty much describes the last several days. But first, I’m going to talk about something that shocked me at the gym a month ago.

I was on the elliptical machine trying to keep my heart rate up around 160 and trying desperately not to think about anyone else that might be watching me. (I’m a bit agoraphobic in that sense) Its also really late at night, probably around midnight, so the tinted windows in front of me show a remarkably clear reflection. Half the time I watch the TV just above and to the right of the windows, the other half I’m trying to peer through my reflection to see what’s going on outside. Being on the third floor of the building provides a rather striking vista when you can see it. When it happened I was near the end of my time on the machine and I was just starting to get that ache in my thighs and triceps. I glanced down to the pad on the machine showing all the pertinent information like time, distance, calories burnt, etc., and when I looked up to the windows in front of me I missed a step and almost got thrown off the machine. I saw only myself since there wasn’t anyone else in the room, but it wasn’t me. It was a whole new body image of myself. For the first time ever I saw in my reflection someone who wasn’t fat. I saw someone who wasn’t bulbous and distended. I saw a lean, good-looking, strong man working to rid himself of his excess. For once I didn’t see a fat kid trying to become something else, but a skinny guy trying to get out of the body he was stuck with.

It scared the hell out of me.

The vision scared me so much in fact, that until last week I didn’t go back to the gym. When a person becomes so used to something it becomes comfortable and safe, they rarely ever give it up. Having my body image altered like that was an eye-opening experience. It took me a while to realize it, but that moment showed me I was not powerless to change myself. I was not always a fat kid. And I don’t think I’m going to be anymore.

Something happened Saturday night that really threw me for a loop. I had gone out with my friends Jana, Travis, and Chelsea (I think that is how her name is spelled) to the Springfield Brew Co for dinner and then to Bailey’s for martini’s. We had a great time, and Jana and Chelsea wanted to go back to Chelsea’s house to continue the drinking and merry-making. I went with them and Travis went home. The drinking continued in earnest at Chelsea’s house and we all just laughed and had a great time, until they realized I was the only guy in the room and started talking about girl things. I was fine with most of this, until Chelsea started talking about her “type,” and then she described it. When she was done with that she looked at Jana and then directly over at me and said, “I would date you.”

I’m floored by this little tidbit of information, coupled with the fact that she is already dating someone else, I wanted to hit myself over the head repeatedly with my bottle of Samuel Adams®. That little shock was twofold: first, this girl is just hot, and second, to think that she would date me just caused me to loose all sense of coolness I had up to that point. What a cruel world it is.

The last little shock happened Sunday night. I received a rather random text message from a girl I know asking if I wanted to “hook up.” While this was a shock unto itself, when I asked her to clarify (I’m kind of naive like that), she said I was a cute and nice guy.

Two complements in less than 24 hours. Someone out there is trying to build up my ego for some reason, and I beg them not to stop shocking me.

Running better than sex?

I was planning on heading to the gym after work last night. I told everyone this, and my roommate was feeling down so I told him that he needed to come with me. I told him it would be good for him.

He’s been trying to figure out when and how to work out as much as I have been. I was just the first to take the plunge and buy a membership.

So I finally convince him, and I show him around the place. I had taken my workout clothes in a gym bag so I had to take some time to get changed, but after that we were off.

As I mentioned in this post I got on the elliptical first instead of the treadmill. Kept my pace at around 160-ish strides per minute, and my heart rate stayed at about 140. I tried to figure out how to get my heart rate up higher, but couldn’t at the time. The machine said I burned about 400 calories. I am not impressed. Maybe if I increase resistance?

We went downstairs to the weight room and I started on an abdominal/oblique/back workout. Incline sit ups are my zone exercise. I will always include 3 to 5 sets of 15 to 20 sit ups on an incline bench regardless of the workout. Throw in back hyperextensions ( 3 sets of 15), and weighted oblique bend (3 sets of 15 reps per side holding 40lbs dumbbell), and a sit and twist machine that worked all of those same areas at once (3 sets of 15 reps per side with the machine set to 70lbs) and I freaking hurt. I’m still working through a cold and therefore am still coughing on occasion. This workout makes me want to cry every time I cough.

After we got done with our respective workouts. I asked him how he liked the gym.

He said that it was great, better than “going out and having random sex to feel better.”

I drove in stunned silence all the way home.

Sweat and pain pt 3

Sweet jeebus. I forgot how much this hurts.

I went back to the gym tonight for the first time since April or May. Ouch.

I did an alternating walk/run circuit on the treadmill for 30 minutes (walk 5 min warm up then 5 run/5 walk/5 run/3 walk/2 sprint/5 walk/5 cooldown). This kept my heart rate bouncing from 160 to 110. Not for sure if I like that.

I think tomorrow night I will try the elliptical machine and try to keep my heart rate around 16o for the full 30 minutes.

Then I went downstairs to the weight room. Christ on crutches that sucked ass.

I tried part of my old arm/upper body pyramid circuit routine involving targeted biceps, targeted triceps, and the pull-down machine. The circuit started with 15 situps on the incline bench, then 25 overhead tricep @ 15lbs, 20 pull-downs @ 80lbs, and 20 isolated biceps with a 20lb bar. I repeated this set three times, each time going up in weight and down in reps, but doing the same number of situps and ending with an extra set of situps for a total of four.

• 1st set:
  • 15 situps
  • 25 tricep @ 15lbs
  • 20 pull-downs @ 80lbs
  • 20 biceps @ 20lbs

• 2nd set:
  • 15 situps
  • 20 tricep @ 20lbs
  • 15 pull-downs @ 90lbs
  • 15 biceps @ 30lbs

• 3rd set:
  • 15 situps
  • 15 tricep @ 25lbs
  • 10 pull-downs @ 100lbs
  • 10 biceps @ 40lbs

• 4th set:
  • 15 situps

Took me about 20 minutes and towards the end it sucked a lot. My arms still feel like jelly and my legs don’t want to work right, but I’m glad I went. I forgot to weigh myself before I worked out, (mainly because I couldn’t find the scale) but I did afterwards and I was surprised to find out that I didn’t gain as much as I had thought. Post workout I weighed 263. When I started working out back in January I weighed 315. I lost about 40 lbs in 4 months and lost/kept off another 10-ish lbs since April. The treadmill showed that I burned approximately 450 calories in that run, and I probably burned another 50-ish in the weight room. So a total 1 hour session got rid of about 500 calories. That’s breakfast and some of lunch. Right on.

Tonight comes the sleeping, tomorrow morning comes the pain, woohoo!

Sweat and pain pt 2

Motivated by the events of Saturday night: read about it here!, and taking the post from Sweat and Pain pt 1 a bit further, I went out today and have paid far too much for a membership to a local gym. It’s an annual membership so I have an entire year with said gym. I go tomorrow for my free fitness evaluation… HA! More like unfitness evaluation. This is going to be quite humorous. I shouldn’t really be that bad, I stopped working out every day back in late may/early june and dwindled off from that. I think I know where I’m at physically, but I’m not looking forward to seeing the cold, flabby, facts.

I’m probably going to post the results tomorrow after I get out of class. This should prove to be entertaining.

Douchebag fitness center

So I am looking for a gym. My requirements are thus: I have limited times that I can actually work out; either at the ass crack of dawn or after I get off work around midnight-ish, I do not want to exercise with four hundred other people, I don’t want to have to drive to get there, I do not want to work out with douchebags, (sorry adam, that means you can’t come), and I don’t want to spend a fortune on it. One would think that these minor requirements would be able to be accommodated. Alas, it has been much more difficult that I could have guessed.

#1 I have gone to two that are supported by the city’s park department. While both are nice, have ample space, and have plenty of classes, they miss the mark on two out of my list. They are not 24 hour and do not stay open past 8 or 9 and unfortunately they are both completely packed in the mornings. Both of those are down.

#2 A few days ago, I went and checked out a place run by a local hospital on the north end of town. The place was nice, albeit a little on the small side, is less than 3 blocks from my house, is open 24 hours, the staff is extremely nice, and they don’t want my entire arm and leg, they will settle for my hand and possibly the lower half of my leg. It is a little small, and the place does not have a huge staff, but I can’t as of yet find any major defects beyond those two.

#3 Today, I went and met with a guy at the local superclub that is a short bike ride from my house. Again, they have ample space, not very many people, are open 24 hours, and as I said I can bike there. Sadly though, they want an arm and a leg for the privilege of using their saintly facilities and unless you want to sign up right there and then without trying the place out they want you to spend even more! Plus the guy that showed me around was like mighty morphin power douchebag. This guy used every single trick in the salesman’s book to try and get me to sign up, which I can’t fault him for, but when I told him that I was probably not going to be using his gym, the look that came across his face almost made me sign. The guy looked like I had just kicked his dog! He was so sad and despondent that I almost felt sorry for him. I hope that losing my sale did not cost one of his imaginary three children to not get braces.

I don’t know. I may have to try out number 2 for a week or so and see how it works out.