WTF, Mate?

I’ve slipped. Slipped back into a depressed slump. I’m trying to focus on my work and get back on track, but all I can seem to concentrate on is this near-overwhelming feeling that I need to lay down and cry. Right now I really wish I could do just that. I feel like there’s something welling up inside me and the stopper on my bottle won’t come loose; maybe if I was able to just get a good cry going I’ll feel better. I can’t though, maybe because in western American society it isn’t acceptable for men to show emotion at all let alone cry, but maybe it’s because I don’t really have anything to cry about.

I have three papers due in less than a week. In reality this shouldn’t be difficult to accomplish. I’m trying to work on one as I sit and write this, but as can be seen I’m getting distracted. I don’t want to pull an all-niter on Sunday because I’ve procrastinated this working time away. I don’t want to be distracted by these irrational feelings either.

I’ve been doing so well for so long. I haven’t had an episode like this in almost two years. I know this isn’t my fault and I know this is just a disease with no real cure, but I still wonder how long I’ll be sabotaging my success because of it.

Depression has been my constant companion for longer than I could define it. He is constantly trying to derail my every plan and all my life’s ambitions. I’ve let it absolutely destroy my life once, but did not realize it until I awoke one day curled up in the shadow of a trash dumpster. I had lost my son, my job, and I thought my will to go on as well. My mother helped me then and it was because of her sacrifice that I now wake up in my own apartment with a job I’ve held on to for the last four years and a future I never thought possible.

I can’t let it win.