Fear

No matter if you’re running: out in the open air, on a treadmill, on an elliptical machine, or on any other kind of exercise equipment for long distances; eventually your body just takes over and your brain is given free reign to do whatever it wants. Sometimes I will go over sociological theory by reciting the tenets of different theorists. Sometimes I will try to solidify my own theses by going point-counterpoint and picking it apart piece by piece (it sometimes helps to clarify where I need to do more research). Although on some occasions memories will wash over me with such force it seems as if they just happened minutes ago. One such recall happened this evening.

I was nearly 45 minutes into my elliptical endeavors when one of the handful of last conversations my ex and I had strolled past my vision. We were arguing, as we were wont to do, and I remember clear as day she said to me “You’re problem is you’re afraid of success. You’re comfortable where you are and if you change it will mean encountering something you’ve never had to deal with before. You are overweight not because you can’t do something about it, but because you won’t do something about it. You constantly make excuses about why you can’t do something. You find comfort in failure because it is what everyone expects out of you.”

I was stunned but of course I retorted with a vehement denial of everything she said. I was not ready to hear it at the time. I think tonight I was. As much as I loathe to admit it, she was right. (I hope someday the vapid self-centered bitch who’s face is not worth sunburning reads this and gets one last laugh out of me) I’ve made great strides since we parted company and fallen a good distance too.

I am afraid. It is and has always been fear that governed my life. At the heart of everything I am afraid of three things: success, failure, and death. As confusing as it may seem, yes we can be afraid of both success and failure at the same time. Humans always seek balance; we don’t want things too hot or too cold, nor do we want to eat too much or to starve. I understand part of me is still making excuses when I say “I don’t know how to take risks.” I know that is not entirely true and that if I just start I will eventually learn how. The twins rejection and failure are not the end of the world to a sociologist from the mid west.

I think the biggest difference between then and now is that I know I can fall. It isn’t the end of the world and it will not preclude me from succeeding later. I went through my childhood at less than mediocre because while I was taunted and bullied, I never did anything to stop it since I found a small amount of comfort in going home and crying to mom. It felt good to get that kind of attention so I never stopped. I don’t believe it was a conscious decision, but it was a decision nonetheless. Even now when I’m almost 30 I refrain from standing up to someone who triggers the bully alarm. It kills me because I know I’m better than that. It isn’t failure because I didn’t try, but it isn’t success either; I’ve achieved balance. I don’t like that kind of balance anymore. I am smart, and witty, and well above average in the brains department.

So yes, I am afraid. Am I going to continue allowing this fear to rule me? I can’t say for sure. I don’t want it to, and I can recognize when it begins to fill my head with poison, but is that enough of an anti-venom. Is admitting you have a problem really the first step to conquering it?

Hello, my name is James and I’m an Atychiphobian.

The plan pt 2

I have been working on “the plan” for a while now. I’ve looked through several books listing colleges with sociology departments and what they specialize in. I’ve talked to the two people in the behavioral sciences department at my school who are actually sociologists multiple times. I’ve talked to friends, family, other students, and other teachers. They all applaud me for my initiative to start the search now rather than next semester.

I’ve narrowed it down to eight schools:

• Political Sociology and Theory
  • Boston University
  • Cornell University
  • University of Oregon
  • Harvard
• Policy Analysis/Public Policy, Theory, and Environmental Sociology
  • Colorado State
• Social Linguistics and Environmental Sociology
  • University of California-Santa Cruz
• Public Policy, Political Sociology, Theory, and Nationalism
  • University of London-Birkbeck

Notice that I included a couple of schools that are off the deep end. Namely Harvard and University of London-Birkbeck. I included Harvard out of a lark; they have a good sociology department and are doing some really neat research in the subjects I’m interested in, but that ivory tower is near impenetrable for a poor midwestern kid without 4.1 gpa and tons of money to throw around. I’m going to submit an application and send all the required stuff, but if I get offered an assistantship at some place like that I’ll have kittens on the spot.

Now the Birkbeck school, I would probably perform lewd sexual acts on the cheap and on command in order to get offered an assistantship. That school is pretty much in the center of where sociology is moving to academically. Plus its in another freaking country and how cool would that be to basically get paid to live in London for 4+ years?

Realistically though I’m leaning towards University of Oregon. The west coast of the U.S. is a hotbed of progressive political thought and that instills an intrigue within that rivals Curious George’s innate inquisitiveness.

What concerns me though, beyond the ability to pay for it all, beyond the several metric tons of writing and research I will have to do (I’m excited to do statistical quantitative research – according to my colleagues I’m insane), and beyond moving away for upwards of 5 to 6 years; I have only a very vague idea as to what I want to study. I have to narrow my interest down somehow to a quantitative topic or thesis statement before the end of summer.

This is the glitch in the plan so far. Plus I need to actually go visit these places before I submit an application to see if I actually could see myself living there for several years.

I’m currently planning a trip around the first week of June to head out west. I’m planning on visiting University of Oregon and Colorado State by taking a little over a week off and driving out there. Perhaps even by myself. I may even include Washington State University just for kicks since they have a pretty awesome sociology department too and one of my instructors will be out there for his tribe’s celebration marking the signing of it’s treaty.

I’m excited to be on the path. There is a certain calming effect that comes with knowing exactly what you want to do in life. Now I just need to stop talking about it and do it.

Surprise! Republican hypocrites

Not wanting to turn my blog into soapbox from which to spout anti-republican rhetoric, I refrained from talking about politics too much. I announced the candidate I was going to vote for and while it appears the rest of the country does not feel the same way I do, I am glad my fellow Democrats across the nation have someone in whom to finally believe. IN the attempt to keep a politically rhetoric free blog I have kept silent about some of the goings on in the party and the race.

Not after today. And damn me for not speaking up sooner.

With the race being so close, no matter who wins the next few primaries and caucuses, the deciding factor will be the super delegates awarded at the Democratic National Convention. However, a new wrinkle in the fight has been added as Florida Republican Governor Charlie Crist and Michigan Democratic Governor Jennifer Granholm have come out demanding the DNC seat the delegates of their banned primaries.

I am outraged. Not only have these states selfishly violated party rules to get their primaries out in front of everyone else’s, now they come back months later to whine about the consequences. Both Florida and Michigan violated Democratic Party rules by holding their primaries before February 5th. Because of this, their delegates will not be seated at the DNC, which means their delegates will be up for grabs only at the convention. What is even more outrageous is that the Republican Governor is being so vocal about it. This is some of the worst dirty politics I have seen in a long time.

Gov. Crist had the audacity to tell the nation that not only should those primaries be allowed to count, but that their results should be untampered with and that he would only be willing to hold another primary if the Democratic Party is willing to foot the bill. Personally, I hope Howard Dean, current chair of the Democratic party, sticks to his guns and tells both states to stuff it. They both knew the rules ahead of time and Dean even promised them back long before their primaries were held that the party would help pay to move the primary dates, but both states refused.

I want to see democracy work, and I want to see people’s voices heard, but this is a society that only works because of rules. We have the most peacefully held exchange of governments in the world and it is due to the fact that everyone involved knows the rules and commits to following them before pen is ever put to paper. Now, because the Republicans want to pit McCain against Clinton rather than Obama, they are crying about how the democratic process is being mucked with. Now these two Governors have the arrogance to stand up in front of the nation and wag their little finger at the Democratic Party for following the rules when they obviously couldn’t brings out a rage in me I haven’t felt since 9/11.

Shut up Crist, you sanctimonious hypocrite, and keep your politically fueled, partisan whining about rules you broke to yourself.

I have been saying the following to friends and family for months; someone within the Democratic Party needs to stand up and give the “for the good of the party” speech. Someone from the party needs to stand up and tell these candidates they are fighting the wrong fight and wasting resources on nitpicking character attacks. Someone from the party needs to stand up and scold these two candidates for not combining forces to stand against the Republican Party. That someone isn’t me, nor is it Howard Dean, nor is it Senator Kennedy. That someone needs to be Al Gore.

Please Mr. Gore stand up for your party and do something. Stop sitting on the sidelines like the rest of the super delegates. Help your party when it needs it the most. I strongly believe that only Mr. Gore has the political clout within the party for this to succeed. It would be a bold move, but it needs to be done. McCain is getting a free ride out there because our forces are too preoccupied with this stupid character race. I am a true card-carrying Democrat and because of the platforms of BOTH candidates I will be proudly voting for a Democrat President regardless of who it is that wins the nomination. So lets stop this redundant character debate before it ruins our chances to regain the White House.

If you are a Democrat and you are also tired of the current shenanigans we find ourselves in, please go to the DNC website, the Hillary Clinton website, and the Barack Obama website to tell them.

Vote Hillary/Obama or Obama/Hillary in 08!

The plan

I want to get out of here.

To facilitate this, I’m going away to grad school for a minimum of three years. I’m going to study sociolinguistics/sociology of language or sociology and public policy; if not both. I’m going to pursue a doctorate degree. Then I’m going to come back to do research and teach.

That, in theory, is the plan.

I have no idea how I will fund it, nor do I have any idea where I’m going to go, but I know it needs to happen. I’ve been strapped down by this area for far too long. I look forward to trips I take with my father to see cars so that I can travel. I’m going to a sociology conference this month in St. Louis, not far enough. Sometime in the fall my cousin Anne is getting married in New York and I’m really looking forward to that.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get a teaching assistantship overseas. I can’t get much farther away than that can I? I need to travel and see the world, to breathe the air of a different space, to walk in the soil of a different land, to get lost in the countryside of my ancestors, and to experience life. I’m not happy here. Not at all. I don’t think I ever have been.

I love my friends and I love my family, but I need more I guess.

Yet even as I write this and begin to research these plans there is this nagging voice in the back of my head that explains the definition of a plan. It’s dark and grating voice seductively whispers in my ear “You remember what it means, a plan is nothing more than a list of things that invariably and inevitably go completely wrong.” And then I hear laughter, cold and frightening laughter devoid of any trace of happiness.

This is my plan…

Bulk smash

I’m angry. Why I’m not sure, but I’m angry. I can feel it in my soul. Yes I still believe in a soul, but not in the biblical sense. More of a consciousness kind of way. The collection of everything that makes us who we are. All of our past, present, and future rolled up into the being that sits here now typing this paragraph. Because it is so intimately mine I can feel when raw emotions are affecting it. And this is definitely causing a disturbance.

If only this intimate connection was a bit more intimate then maybe I could trace this anger coursing through my very blood to its source. Sometimes I feel it welling up like a pan of water slowly coming to a boil. Other times its like getting hit with an unexpected punch to the gut; altogether surprising, all-encompassing, and debilitating. Those are familiar, like putting on an old comfortable pair of shoes or getting into a nice warm bath. They are aspects of an emotional imbalance I have dealt with my entire life. There just seems to be an overabundance of anger in the cauldron of emotions stirring within my head.

Yet the previous aspects are not even the scarier manifestations. There are times when I will turn a corner and the anger, the rage, the sheer animalistic ferocity just be there like it always was there. The feeling is the same as flipping a switch in a pitch-black room with your eyes wide open; startling but comforting. Its just there and I feel like I’m looking out of eyes no longer mine, staining the entire world in a gray haze. Contrary to what most think seeing red is not an indication of extreme or unconscionable anger. What really happens is the power of the emotion swallows so many of your other emotions that nothing matters. The world has no color to it at all, and certainly no meaning either.

One day I will understand what it is that causes it, but until then I will have to rely on my intellect to prevent me from doing anything I will later regret.